Torn...

18 months. That's how old she is. It's killing me to see her growing up so fast. I just want to freeze time and keep her the way she is. Sure, sure, I love the milestones. Who doesn't love to see their kids climb and run and learn a new dance move? Or listen to them experiment with new words and read books back to you and all the funny little things they do. And yet, I still yearn for that tiny, sweet baby that would let me hold her and kiss her endlessly. And then I remember the most glorious word I've ever heard. It brings tears of joy to my eyes every time I hear it. NURSERY!!! Ahhhh, I just felt my entire body sigh with pleasure. One more time. Nursery. Can you feel your shoulders relax and the heavenly choirs sing? Oh, I can.

Now that I'm calm and in my happy place, I thought I'd post a few pictures of the little spitfire.

Sure, she looks all sweet and innocent in the tutu. I bought it because I like to pretend that she's a delicate little princess...



...but don't worry, it's just a clever ploy to lull you into a false sense of security because the next second you get this.



I adore this coat! Her grandmother made it and sent it for Christmas. Somehow she always manages to send just what I need without me ever having to tell her. She's just intuitive like that. Anyway, I tried getting a couple of shots, but I never did get one of Mia smiling, although she loves the coat.




I had to add this shot so I could show off the pom-pom buttons. (I guess that's what you'd call them-I don't really know.) Adorable coat. Adorable girl that won't slow down for the world. The one that screeches like a banshee whenever her brother takes her toy and sometimes just for the fun of it. The one who even now is pleading with her big blue eyes and sweet little voice for her mom to read her a book! And so, I'll just chant my magic word and take a time-out to read to my baby.

Holidays...

Yeah, okay. It's March. I know. Really I do. That still doesn't change the fact that I haven't posted my Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's, or St. Patrick's Day photos yet. Bet you thought you were never gonna see them. I did too.

Christmas.

In addition to the Santa Cookies we made last year, we decided it was high time that we made some gingerbread houses.
I'll be honest. We put the little kids to bed early so that we could actually do some decorating instead of candy policing. If you look closely, you'll notice that Denver's mansion wasn't decorated. He was too busy putting up interior walls and creating a toilet to actually decorate. While Denver was busy planning, I was really missing my mom and the rest of my family so I decided to make my gingerbread house into something extra special...


The GingerDome!!! I couldn't find the dragon that my mom wanted for scaring off deer, but I figured the friendly dinosaur Corbin had would be an acceptable substitute.


Our friend Laura joined us for the fun and I thought it only appropriate that we have a picture of her with her first gingerbread house. That girl's got promise-can't wait for next year!

On to Christmas morning. It was loud, messy and perfect. I have to admit that the loud part was almost entirely my fault. I thought it would be fun for the boys to get harmonicas and Denver's always wanted a jaw harp...Mia's new cell phone wasn't entirely quiet either. I loved every minute.






New Year's

We had some fantastic company for New Year's this year. Morgan, Charisse and Sam came to visit for the week between Christmas and New Year's. It was wonderful, and altogether too short of a visit. It was a lot of fun having them celebrate with us, and I wish I'd gotten more pictures but we were just too busy having fun...
...and eating all this delicious food!


Awwww, aren't they just the cutest couple...


Yeah. Ewww. I thought the same thing.



I think the boys had a great time with the video games. Corbin LOVES hanging out with the older boys. He also loves his "Aieeyah". That's Corbin's way of saying Alia, you know-his girlfriend. I don't have the pictures of them but they had so much fun that night, chasing each other and playing. They even kissed at midnight. Cute, cute, cute. Fun, fun, fun. Thank you Morgan & Charisse, Mike & Denise, for helping us bring in the new year with those we love.

Valentine's Day

To be honest, I don't really consider this a holiday. In fact, of all holidays, this is the worst. My husband treats me like a princess every day of the year, so this day is rather pointless. Except for the kids. I LOVE to do little Valentine's crafts and try to make things fun. I didn't have a lot of time this year but I did manage to make a special dinner...

A bloody heart!!! Okay, so it was meatloaf with pink mashed potatoes. I thought it was delicious and it's the only time you're gonna catch me eating a heart!

St. Patrick's Day

Corned beef and cabbage. Green, green, no green! Pinch. And something new this year...
Rainbow cupcakes, complete with clouds! And don't forget the gold!


Corbin was sneaky and managed to snag a cupcake before I'd frosted them. (He hid the evidence in the pantry but then took me right to it when I asked if he was the one that had taken a cupcake.) Still, I think the boys enjoyed them. I'll let you decide for yourself about Lil' Miss...



Pheww. Glad I got that done. Now, I'm only behind on all the cute, fun, everyday things that I need to post. One of these days...

18

Dear Dad,
It's been 18 years now since we've been together. 18 years. I've changed so much. I was twelve when you died, innocent and safe. Completely unaware of the tragedy that was about to change me forever.

At first, the hole you left in my life was all I was aware of. I didn't know that anyone could feel that amount of pain and emptiness and still live. Time passed, however, and I survived. I used to think that the hole, the emptiness your absence created, would shrink with time. I was wrong.

It's there, still, the same as before. You were a huge part of my life and I will never fill that space. I may not be as aware of it-in fact, there are times I don't even notice-but it's there.

You should know how happy I am. I have the most incredible family of my own now. I think that you would really like them. Knowing that this day was coming, I've been thinking about them and you and what we are all missing.

You missed my wedding. It was amazing. All of your siblings were there and they sang a karaoke song for you. It was bittersweet. There were games and food and fun and I was angry because my mom didn't have someone to hold her hand and share in her joy like only a husband could. I'll bet that you would have sang a song and done a great job making us all laugh and possibly cry. You spoke incredibly well, and you could have welcomed my husband into our family. Instead, he has to wonder if you would have approved. And as I've watched him today, excited about the possibility of getting his own driftboat, I ache because I know that the two of you would have gotten along splendidly. I can see the visits you and mom would have made and imagine all the laughter and fun we could have had. Now, Denver will never know you. You'll never come to Oregon and fish with him, get to know and love him as I do. And he'll never know you, the man that shaped so much of my life.

I have three kids now, Dad. You haven't met any of them. I had to teach my oldest son about "doorknob & safety" because you weren't here to do it. He'll be turning 12 in a few months and becoming a deacon. Without you. Just yesterday, Chase told me he only had one grandpa. He's right. And for years, he didn't have any. He needed you. Still does. He asks about you sometimes and I try to explain about what an amazing person you were but I know that I don't do you justice. How do I get him to understand how much fun you were-that just being around you could make me feel better? That you had more energy than any one person should. The games, the stories, the ability to get us to work without realizing we were! To him, you are a ghost. A shadow of a man. A vague picture painted only by words, and some old photographs. And you'll be the same to my other children, Corbin and Mia. They'll never truly know you and that really hurts.

This is just my little family. You had five amazing children and we all have families. I know they're all aware of your absence. You're missing our lives. The births, the blessings, the good times and the bad. Sometimes I get so angry that I'm glad that you're missing all of this. You didn't stick it out with us, so you don't deserve to share in the triumphs and joys of our lives. Why should you get to know such amazing people as all of us? Because we are. We picked up the pieces of our shattered lives and we learned to survive and be happy without you. Then, the anger fades and once again I'm left with that gaping hole. And the knowledge that underneath it all, after 18 years, all I really want is my Dad. I miss you.

Love,
Scout

Santa Cookies!!!

We have some of the greatest family ever. Denver's Uncle Scott sent us a package a few weeks ago with the following instructions: "Let the kids make a mess and be sure to take pictures." And so we did...










We can't thank you enough for the wonderful time Uncle Scott! It was the perfect little family activity and will probably become one of our favorite traditions. Oh, and just in case you're wondering, the cookies are absolutely delicious!!! Ask Corbin, we caught him trying to sneak in and get more every time we turned around.